 Foot In Mouth Awards
by Carol Wood
There have been times in my life when my sarcasm has overcome my urge to keep silent. There have been times when I said things or things have been said to me that I wish could be taken back. Unfortunately, there are no backies. And unfortunately or fortunately these times are also pretty funny in retrospect. Here are a few.
 Hi Big Daddy!
I was holding a neighborhood coffee clutch at my house with about twelve women friends when the door bell rang. I opened it and there stood a tall very handsome black man dressed in a nice suit. Before he could tell me what he was selling my two year old daughter ran up to him and clutched his leg and said, “Hi Daddy.”
I heard a gasp over my shoulder from one of the women and I quickly apologized. “No, no, that’s not Daddy. He’s too big to be our daddy.”
The man’s face looked amazed.
“I mean, he’s too black… Oh!”
He tilted his head to one side and looked at me through half closed eyes.
“I didn’t mean that, uh… her daddy is a short, white guy.”
My daughter wouldn’t let go of his leg. She kept calling him daddy. The women in the living room were chuckling.
“Her dad’s out of town a lot. And she thinks every man that comes to our door is … not that a lot of men are coming to our door! Oh!” I stumbled and grabbed Renee and pulled her inside.
The guy laughed and I slammed the door. All of my neighbors were laughing.
He was a big handsome black man and he had a nice laugh too.
Show him your things
My ex husband and I were rushing around trying to get the house ready before a business friend was going to come for dinner. The doorbell rang and both of us were not dressed, so I asked my daughter, Renee to please “Show him your things,” and my ex husband and I apologized and ran to get dressed as she took his hand and dragged him downstairs to the play room.
We came back down stairs and suddenly heard a burst of loud deep laughter coming up from the basement. Then Dan and Renee walked into the kitchen holding hands.
“What were you laughing at?” I asked.
“She showed me her things,” he said. “She said, ‘here is my doll and here is my puzzle and here is my hini.”
“What?” I asked mortified.
“And then she pulled down her pants and she showed it to me,” at this he began to emit a deep chuckle again and we all laughed.
It was the last time I told my daughter to show her “Things” to anyone.
Doctor John – Learning the Lingo
I had just started working as a bar waitress and I wanted to appear savvy and smooth talking with the customers in the hopes of getting some big tips. While chatting with a large group of male customers, I thought I was doing okay till one man said “Well, I like talking with you, but I have to go relieve a kidney.”
“Really?” I said. “You're a doctor? What hospital do you work at?” I asked.
The man who was on his way to the bathroom for some reason, turned and stared at me as did all eight of his friends.
That’s when I got it.
And then they all burst out laughing.
The Difference Between the Eagles
 My ex was trying to impress his boss and I had gotten a new dress and a new hairdo for a company party. I was only in my twenties and felt out of place among all these rich over thirty people even though my hair was piled on top of my head "To look older." Fred hadn’t gotten a raise in over a year and we needed one. He led me up to the boss to say hello and somehow I got to talking about paying bills. I was worried about this doctor bill I had to pay.
And the boss said “Well, the eagle shits on Friday.”
 So I said, “Well the problem is your eagle has diarrhea and ours is constipated.”
It just leapt out of my mouth.
I didn’t know it, but I was standing next to my ex husband’s boss, his boss and his boss’s boss. They all just stared at me in silence and then they looked at Fred. That’s when my ex took me by the arm and guided me silently away.
Helen Beck
When my ex husband and I were working together for a small television company in New York, one weekend the boss flew in from Australia with his mother to show her the sites. We met them for dinner at the famous Tavern on the Green.
At that time, this boss would call up my ex every night right as we sat down to dinner and ruin his digestion. I could hear the man’s screams coming out of the phone from across the table. He was a beasty. And it was obvious to me that we should move on, but not to my ex.
We all sat around a beautiful table under a wonderful tiffany lamp in the middle of Central Park and my boss excused himself to probably get some beasty dust. I turned to his very sweet looking mother and before I could stop it, I said, “Well, I’m surprised. You don’t look like you’ve been to hell and back.”
And she said, “Why would you think that of me?”
I smiled and said, “I’ve met your son.”
For the rest of the evening, she had this look on her face that said “You can go to hell and back!” or maybe just “You are just so fired!”
I wasn’t fired. But I wished I had been.
A Jazzy Tune
 I heard some really good jazz on the car radio. They announced the name of the tune, “Foreplay” but I didn’t catch the name of the band, so I decided to go and inquire at the local record store to buy the cd.
I walked straight up to an attendant and whispered, “Do you know the name of the band who does foreplay?”
He looked at me amazed and said “What?”
I repeated my question and he said, “I don’t think I heard you right. What are you saying?”
So I raised my voice above the din of customers and said loudly “Who does foreplay?”
The whole place became absolutely quite as every eye turned to stare at me. My complexion became beet red and I hurriedly walked out of the store averting my eyes as calls of “I do!” “I do, Honey!” came from several of the male customers.
Call Them Pizzelles or WHAT DID YOU THINK THEY WERE?
 My ex husband and children and I walked up to the check out with groceries and some Pizzelle cookies. The clerk picked up the cookies, but there was no price on them. So, he grabbed the microphone and shouted into the mike so the whole store could hear, “Jim? How much are these…” he looked at the package and read, “Anus cookies? That’s ANUS, A-N-I-S-E, ANUS COOKIES!”
 Every person in the check outs turned and looked at us with horrified disgust on their faces. You could see them wondering “Butt cookies?” or “What are they made of?”
“That’s pronounced ah-niss, that’s anise,” I whispered. “It’s a spice.” I dropped everything and took hold of my ex husband and children and we quickly excited the store blushing all the way to our toes as the customers gawked at us.
Watch it! They come in drops too!
Love Trumpet
I’m a very gaseous person. Ask any person that has talked with me, or any member of my family, after dinner. Just like my mouth, sometimes my butt lets things go without me getting a second to think about it. My husband knows this and still likes me. But when we first moved in together I was worried, but I didn’t have to be.
After a large plate of spaghetti and several meatballs I sat resting on the couch next to my then boyfriend when a blast emitted from my derriere that … well, if it had been lighted it might have blown a hole in the couch. I pressed my lips together and meekly stared up into his eyes.
“You trumpeted our love!” he shouted and kissed me.
And that’s the reason why I love him so much.
That’s it from LaLaLand.
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Now, you might think, those stories aren’t that funny and they don’t demonstrate the fine slip of the tongue that you may have demonstrated in your past. If that is the case, send me one of yours and I’ll post it, if it is indeed funny. I would tell more, but most of them have not become retrospect enough to be funny. Yeah, that's it. It's has nothing to do with my failing memory. That's the ticket!